Funny story - I hate you.../Femininiminimalism./Mitch Hedberg quotes...
I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I used to have really long hair. People thought I was high on stage, because people long hair associate with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use... like an extreme longing for cake. Strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That fucker eats cake!... He is on bundt cake." Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smell like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar you getting?" "That one ... and every one on the bottom row!"
I was at a park and saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have known. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.
I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "NO." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "NO" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan fuckin' lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't saying shit...
I think they can take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn! Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank." They'd have to change that McDonald's song, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun." How does sesame seeds stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side... Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know... we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
If thirteen's unlucky, then 12 or 14 are guilty by association. “I saw you 12, you were hangin’ out with 13.” “No I wasn’t, I was with 11, you talk to 14 'bout that shit.” “Whatcha got to say 14?” “Me divided by 2 equals 7... alright, I was with 13, shit.”
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head. Nothing but fish going, "Ahhhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
The club owner here when you comes to town, hooks us up with his drugs. Like he'll give you cocaine or pot brownies. But the last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder -- 'cause he's afflicted. But I'm not. So what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. Like people would be telling a story and the story would end, and I get all mad and shit. "C'mon, man, there's got to be more to that story. I'm on pills here!"
Hey, man, I did a radio interview for XM Radio. Nobody heard it. C'mon who has XM radio? (Some clapping) Hey, I'll be damned. It's growing in popularity! They said, "You could swear on XM Radio." "No shit, 'cause nobody can hear it... You could swear in the woods, too."
Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death. The envelope will not seal. And the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum.
wtf is a pravna?
And Mitch Hedburg made me giggle